The Joke Thread

Anything non-motor racing related.
Forum rules
Please read the forum rules
fatsi
Posts: 259
Joined: Sun Apr 17, 2011 5:20 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by fatsi »

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. LET ME OUT!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too f***ing late pal, the paperworks already done"
PF1 Pick 10 Competition
2012 Championship : =9th :)
2013 Championship : 35th :(
2014 Championship : 5th :)

PF1 2014 Castrol GP Predictor
2014 Fantasy League : 1st :D

User avatar
andrew
Posts: 23
Joined: Sun May 06, 2012 2:11 pm
Location: Aberdeen

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by andrew »

I was driving along the other day when I accidently ran into the back of the car in front. Bit of a fender bender but nothing too serious. Anyway this midget gets out of the car in front and walks up to my drivers side window, which I rolled down. "I'm not happy" says the midget. "OK" I said, "Which of the 7 are you then?".

Yeah, I know I'm going to hell but it's warmer there. :]
Image

Swing and a miss!

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
Banana Man
Posts: 2319
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

There's a really sexy young woman living in the house opposite, who deliberately leaves the curtains open so I can watch her masturbating with my telescope.

It's quite difficult to see from this far away though, if only I still had my telescope.
I remember when this website was all fields.

User avatar
Tufty
Posts: 2032
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2008 4:33 pm
Location: Colwyn Bay, North Wales

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Tufty »

Banana Man wrote:There's a really sexy young woman living in the house opposite, who deliberately leaves the curtains open so I can watch her masturbating with my telescope.

It's quite difficult to see from this far away though, if only I still had my telescope.

:lol:

Clever, took me a couple of times to get that!

[Well, I say clever, I might just be thick :lol: ]
Organiser of the single most low-tech Robot Wars tournament in history, PM for details!

moose22
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2006 2:35 pm
Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

Tufty wrote:
Banana Man wrote:There's a really sexy young woman living in the house opposite, who deliberately leaves the curtains open so I can watch her masturbating with my telescope.

It's quite difficult to see from this far away though, if only I still had my telescope.

:lol:

Clever, took me a couple of times to get that!

[Well, I say clever, I might just be thick :lol: ]


Hey Tufty, is this you??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DPEKVV7R9k

:lol:
Everyday you know more.

moose22
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2006 2:35 pm
Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts three pound coins in one hand and a five pound note in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
“Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the pound coins and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the coins instead of the note?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the fiver, the game's over!”
Everyday you know more.

vikz22
Posts: 1297
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:23 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

moose22 wrote:A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts three pound coins in one hand and a five pound note in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
“Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the pound coins and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the coins instead of the note?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the fiver, the game's over!”


:thumbup:


bravo, that tickled me!

User avatar
Tufty
Posts: 2032
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2008 4:33 pm
Location: Colwyn Bay, North Wales

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Tufty »

moose22 wrote:
Tufty wrote:
Banana Man wrote:There's a really sexy young woman living in the house opposite, who deliberately leaves the curtains open so I can watch her masturbating with my telescope.

It's quite difficult to see from this far away though, if only I still had my telescope.

:lol:

Clever, took me a couple of times to get that!

[Well, I say clever, I might just be thick :lol: ]


Hey Tufty, is this you??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DPEKVV7R9k

:lol:
:lol:

That's where the nickname came from (not THAT video!) courtesy of my science teacher years ago.
Organiser of the single most low-tech Robot Wars tournament in history, PM for details!

User avatar
Banana Man
Posts: 2319
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

Someone once dared me to spend a night in a haunted house, but I made a run for it when I heard steps coming from upstairs.

I don't know which sick b*stard was playing that CD but I didn't hang around to find out.
I remember when this website was all fields.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Image

I sure did.
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Image
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Image
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
minchy
Posts: 5304
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2011 1:59 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by minchy »

bouncemaker wrote:
Spoiler (click to show)


I sure did.

I didn't want her dead, I just wanted to beat her senseless with a wet salmon. :twisted:
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

vikz22
Posts: 1297
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:23 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

minchy wrote:
bouncemaker wrote:
Spoiler (click to show)


I sure did.

I didn't want her dead, I just wanted to beat her senseless with a wet salmon. :twisted:



is that a euphemism?

User avatar
minchy
Posts: 5304
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2011 1:59 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by minchy »

vikz22 wrote:
minchy wrote:
bouncemaker wrote:
Spoiler (click to show)


I sure did.

I didn't want her dead, I just wanted to beat her senseless with a wet salmon. :twisted:



is that a euphemism?

if it is then I'm a sick man :]
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

vikz22
Posts: 1297
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:23 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

minchy wrote:
vikz22 wrote:
minchy wrote:
bouncemaker wrote:
Spoiler (click to show)


I sure did.

I didn't want her dead, I just wanted to beat her senseless with a wet salmon. :twisted:



is that a euphemism?

if it is then I'm a sick man :]



Max Mosleys ideal woman, nice polite on the outside, but will punish him severely if he's naughty!

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking
a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Some more Q & A:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A:It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A:It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A:Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A:Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A:Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A:Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
There is no try, only do.

Siao7
Posts: 8355
Joined: Tue May 05, 2009 11:31 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Ok, my attempt.


A guy is at the mall when the fire alarm sounds. Running towards the exit he is looking around for his wife. Suddenly he bumps into an old friend of his.

- Hey Mike, haven't seen you in ages. How are you?
- Hi mate, looking for my wife.
- I'm looking for mine too, maybe you can give me her description so if I see her I'll let her know where you are.
- Sure, she's a Victoria Secret's model, 23 years old, about 1.8m tall, blonde with the nicest pair of puppies you've ever seen, bright blue eyes. You can't miss her, they were having a photo-shoot in here so she'll probably be in her bikini. How about yours, I'll do the same if I meet her.



- Well f*ck mine, let's go get yours!!!!!!

vikz22
Posts: 1297
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:23 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

bouncemaker wrote:Some more Q & A:



Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A:Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.




:lol: :lol: :lol:


:) :-|


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

User avatar
Tufty
Posts: 2032
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2008 4:33 pm
Location: Colwyn Bay, North Wales

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Tufty »

Getting sick of all those game requests on Facebook.

If I get one more poker invite, I'll get my own and show them where they can stick it...
Organiser of the single most low-tech Robot Wars tournament in history, PM for details!

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Shot my first turkey yesterday!
It was awesome!
Scared the crap outta everyone
in the frozen food section, though.
Getting' old is so much fun...
There is no try, only do.

Benici
Posts: 332
Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2012 5:06 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Benici »

I thought about starting up a notepad business, but the margins were too small.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Golfing jokes:

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?""Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly."No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf, so he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.
So he goes down to the club to inquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are, Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Women over men:

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I 'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up..'
Last edited by bouncemaker on Sat May 12, 2012 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Is sex work?

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded:
"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
dave_the_fish
Posts: 427
Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2009 8:35 pm
Location: Kent

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by dave_the_fish »

bouncemaker wrote:Is sex work?

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded:
"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

:lol: :thumbup:
Heads slowly turning to mush

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Bill and Hillary Clinton joke:

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never
to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her
guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the
box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill - "So why do you have all that money
in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans.... I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!"
Last edited by bouncemaker on Tue May 15, 2012 2:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Do you have a dirty mind?

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image
Last edited by bouncemaker on Tue May 15, 2012 2:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

The Harley Mechanic and the Surgeon:

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:
"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works Just like new. So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and said to the mechanic..........

"Try doing it with the engine running!!!!"
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Grandma's boyfriend:

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.'
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

PARAPROSDOKIANS:

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you... But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with "Good Evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In case of emergency, notify: I put "DOCTOR."
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman... Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Religious humor:

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember
these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
There is no try, only do.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

CIRCUMCISION JOKE....

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The 2nd kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The 1st kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep,
and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

Whoa!' the 2nd kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.....

Couldn't walk for a year!!!
There is no try, only do.

RichflysVs82
Posts: 132
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2011 8:01 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RichflysVs82 »

bouncemaker wrote:CIRCUMCISION JOKE....

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The 2nd kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The 1st kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep,
and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

Whoa!' the 2nd kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.....

Couldn't walk for a year!!!


:lol: nice! :thumbup:

moose22
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2006 2:35 pm
Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

How many animals can a woman get into a pair of tights?
Let's see:
They can get in 10 little piggies
2 Calves
1 Beaver
1 donkey
1 treat
Thousands of Hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
Everyday you know more.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

The difference between women and men, explained using technology:

Image
There is no try, only do.

moose22
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2006 2:35 pm
Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

Why no girls on the Joke Thread?? :?

C'mon girls, get in and post some bloke jokes...
Everyday you know more.

User avatar
bouncemaker
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:49 am
Location: Pismo Beach, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
HOME DEPOT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKERWRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
There is no try, only do.

Post Reply