The Joke Thread

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mac_d
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

dave_the_fish wrote:
ob1kenobi.23 wrote:A drunk was staggering home through a grave yard on a rainy night when he stumbled into an open grave.
He struggled might & mane to get out but as he struggled the soil just crumbling & finally exhausted he gave up & lay down.
A short time later a second drunk fell into the grave & started to struggle as he tried in vain to get out.
The first guy said, “your wasting your time mate, you’ll never get out”.
But he did.

I don't get it :blush:


Must say, I don't get it either...

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MrMuttley
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by MrMuttley »

I do. :-D

fatsi
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by fatsi »

mac_d wrote:
dave_the_fish wrote:
ob1kenobi.23 wrote:A drunk was staggering home through a grave yard on a rainy night when he stumbled into an open grave.
He struggled might & mane to get out but as he struggled the soil just crumbling & finally exhausted he gave up & lay down.
A short time later a second drunk fell into the grave & started to struggle as he tried in vain to get out.
The first guy said, “your wasting your time mate, you’ll never get out”.
But he did.

I don't get it :blush:


Must say, I don't get it either...



Nor me......
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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

fatboy72 wrote:
mac_d wrote:
dave_the_fish wrote:
ob1kenobi.23 wrote:A drunk was staggering home through a grave yard on a rainy night when he stumbled into an open grave.
He struggled might & mane to get out but as he struggled the soil just crumbling & finally exhausted he gave up & lay down.
A short time later a second drunk fell into the grave & started to struggle as he tried in vain to get out.
The first guy said, “your wasting your time mate, you’ll never get out”.
But he did.

I don't get it :blush:


Must say, I don't get it either...



Nor me......


If you can standing jump 3 feet, you get a 'jolt' like that you will double it :D

Jezick
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Jezick »

moby wrote:
fatboy72 wrote:
mac_d wrote:
dave_the_fish wrote:
ob1kenobi.23 wrote:A drunk was staggering home through a grave yard on a rainy night when he stumbled into an open grave.
He struggled might & mane to get out but as he struggled the soil just crumbling & finally exhausted he gave up & lay down.
A short time later a second drunk fell into the grave & started to struggle as he tried in vain to get out.
The first guy said, “your wasting your time mate, you’ll never get out”.
But he did.

I don't get it :blush:


Must say, I don't get it either...



Nor me......


If you can standing jump 3 feet, you get a 'jolt' like that you will double it :D


I wonder how many are now saying.... "Of course I got it, don't be stupid, tsk tsk" ;)

RichflysVs82
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RichflysVs82 »

It's great to see we're all motor sport fans. I guess that makes us pretty race-ist?

mac_d
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

Ah, right got it now. Trying to think an a good excuse why I didn't get it but failing, so I'll just acknowledge my own stupidity.

moose22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

It's been reported that Snow white has been excluded from all future Disney productions.

She was found naked sitting on Pinocchio's face Shouting

LIE YA lovely individual, LIE!!
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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

How many paedophiles does it take to change a light bulb?

My wife is more bothered about why I didn't just hire an electrician.
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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.
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moose22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

^^^ was gonna post that joke on Sunday when a mate sent me the tex but thought it was to near the knuckle.

I Guess it isn't :lol:
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ob1kenobi.23
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by ob1kenobi.23 »

Two Englishmen in Dublin were fitting out their new shop
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some Old Irish pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling friends.
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing bloody well... Only two left
Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

moose22 wrote:^^^ was gonna post that joke on Sunday when a mate sent me the tex but thought it was to near the knuckle.

I Guess it isn't :lol:


I mliked a cow whilst blindfolded. Any subtext is purely inferred by the reader. :nod:
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moose22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

Banana Man wrote:
moose22 wrote:^^^ was gonna post that joke on Sunday when a mate sent me the tex but thought it was to near the knuckle.

I Guess it isn't :lol:


I mliked a cow whilst blindfolded. Any subtext is purely inferred by the reader. :nod:

:lol: :lol: :thumbup:
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moose22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand

and a dozen donuts.



Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat that last donut.
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moose22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy area. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 quid?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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coulthards chin
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by coulthards chin »

What do you call a flock of sheep on the motorway?

A flock of dead sheep.
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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

coulthards chin wrote:What do you call a flock of sheep on the motorway?

A flock of dead sheep.



http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/1597595.stm
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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

I remember when this website was all fields.

vikz22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

Banana Man wrote:This wasn't me, honnest

http://panicdots.com/2012/10/bbc-radio- ... y-mistake/


it reminds me of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZUB0kLLBUA

(mongolians in the system? wtf)

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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

One second to the finishing bell on Friday and Johnny swears.

The teacher has to think up an instant punishment so says, 'I am going to open this book and pick your punishment from here' which she does.

His punishment is the definition of the word 'contagious'.


On Monday, teacher says 'Right, give me three examples where you hear the word over the week end'

Where was it first?

Bill's house, he replies.

Right, go on.

He continues, ' Well, on Saturday, I go to call on my friend Bill, but his mother says he can not come out as he had Mumps and it is contagious.

'Very good says teacher, next?'

On TV some one had a contagious laugh.
I was watching the TV and started laughing with the comedian even though I did not understand the joke.

Very good says teacher, and the third?

Well says Johnny, I did not understand this one.

What was it says teacher, maybe I can help.

Well my dad comes in from the garden and says to mom, 'Bert next door is painting the fence, and the idiot is using a one inch brush

Mom laughs and says It'll take the contagious





(Helps if the Mom speaks with a Cornish or soft Irish accent)

RichflysVs82
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RichflysVs82 »

moby wrote:One second to the finishing bell on Friday and Johnny swears.

The teacher has to think up an instant punishment so says, 'I am going to open this book and pick your punishment from here' which she does.

His punishment is the definition of the word 'contagious'.


On Monday, teacher says 'Right, give me three examples where you hear the word over the week end'

Where was it first?

Bill's house, he replies.

Right, go on.

He continues, ' Well, on Saturday, I go to call on my friend Bill, but his mother says he can not come out as he had Mumps and it is contagious.

'Very good says teacher, next?'

On TV some one had a contagious laugh.
I was watching the TV and started laughing with the comedian even though I did not understand the joke.

Very good says teacher, and the third?

Well says Johnny, I did not understand this one.

What was it says teacher, maybe I can help.

Well my dad comes in from the garden and says to mom, 'Bert next door is painting the fence, and the idiot is using a one inch brush

Mom laughs and says It'll take the contagious





(Helps if the Mom speaks with a Cornish or soft Irish accent)


Hahaha! That took me a minute. :thumbup:

Floppy_Boy
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Floppy_Boy »

Here's a couple...

A drunk walks out of a bar and runs into a guy carrying an antique grandfather clock. The guy drops the clock, breaking it into a million pieces. He looks at the drunk and says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else?"

You know what happens when a politician takes viagra? They get taller.

What do blondes and tornados have in common?





At first there's a lot of blowing and sucking, then you lose your house.

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minchy
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by minchy »

A funeral director had been getting complaints from a number of families of the deceased about the dirty brown rings on their departed loved ones.

The director had tell his staff specifically not to rest their coffee cups on the corpses.
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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

minchy wrote:A funeral director had been getting complaints from a number of families of the deceased about the dirty brown rings on their departed loved ones.

The director had tell his staff specifically not to rest their coffee cups on the corpses.


A stiff drink?

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
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MrMuttley
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by MrMuttley »

I saw a chubby girl while I was out yesterday. She was wearing a T-Shirt that said "I LOVE HIP HOP" I think the C and S must have fallen off.

vikz22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

MrMuttley wrote:I saw a chubby girl while I was out yesterday. She was wearing a T-Shirt that said "I LOVE HIP HOP" I think the C and S must have fallen off.



:lol: :lol:

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?
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Gothalamide
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Gothalamide »

Banana Man wrote:How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?


I bet they can do it in 30secs or less too..

:D :D :D

mac_d
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

Gothalamide wrote:
Banana Man wrote:How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?


I bet they can do it in 30secs or less too..

:D :D :D


Must say, I enjoyed this joke. I was always better at the numbers than letters though. I think in probably north of 200 episodes or partial episodes of Countdown I saw, I only got 1 conundrum.


Probably a few people not from the UK who won't have a clue though!

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coulthards chin
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by coulthards chin »

This new Thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
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mac_d
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

coulthards chin wrote:This new Thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.



:D

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Tufty
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Tufty »

Teacher: If you had ten concert tickets and I took 9 away, what would you have left?

Me: Ten concert tickets and a corpse.
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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?







5 drinks

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MrMuttley
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by MrMuttley »

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!


They say sex is one of the best forms of exercise. I don't honestly think 2 and a half minutes every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

A pervert makes a dirty phone call to a woman in her house. He calls her up and after a few seconds of heavy breathing says to her, "I bet you've got a really tight pickle with no hair."

The woman replies, "Yeah, he's sat next to me watching TV, who shall I say is calling?"
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vikz22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.

The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.

(reference http://www.jokes.com/)

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coulthards chin
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by coulthards chin »

The guy who runs my local chippy knows nothing about fish.

It's time he knew his plaice.
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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

I've been going out with this girl for a few weeks and I'm starting to think she might be a keeper.

She stinks of elephant poo.
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