The Joke Thread

Anything non-motor racing related.
Forum rules
Please read the forum rules
User avatar
Banana Man
Posts: 2429
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

Life is full of strange little ironies. For example, I always thought my mum would walk in on me masturbating...
I remember when this website was all fields.

User avatar
moby
Posts: 8072
Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2008 9:22 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

Banana Man wrote:Life is full of strange little ironies. For example, I always thought my mum would walk in on me masturbating...



can she walk masturbating?

User avatar
f1madman
Posts: 1749
Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2007 8:14 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by f1madman »

Erm he walked in on her....
Pathfinder

User avatar
Tufty
Posts: 2038
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2008 4:33 pm
Location: Colwyn Bay, North Wales

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Tufty »

Not sure that actually needed explaining MM :P
Organiser of the single most low-tech Robot Wars tournament in history, PM for details!

User avatar
moby
Posts: 8072
Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2008 9:22 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

What is a one legged Sikh called? Balan Singh

User avatar
Banana Man
Posts: 2429
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

I've been watching these BBC sex abuse allegations with keen interest. If Des O'Connor gets arrested my accumulator pays out.
I remember when this website was all fields.

User avatar
moby
Posts: 8072
Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2008 9:22 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

Banana Man wrote:I've been watching these BBC sex abuse allegations with keen interest. If Des O'Connor gets arrested my accumulator pays out.


My money is on Larry Grayson

User avatar
coulthards chin
Posts: 1069
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 5:44 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by coulthards chin »

I once won an award for my punctuation.

They gave me a posh trophy.
Pick 10 Competition:
2013 - 10th
2014 - 9th
2015 - 6th
2019 - 10th

User avatar
Banana Man
Posts: 2429
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

Old women are always saying that young men these days aren't as helpful and polite as they used to be. They don't seem to realise this is because the young men aren't trying to sh*g them any more.
I remember when this website was all fields.

phyz
Posts: 1049
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2009 6:51 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by phyz »

Banana Man, you are on fire! Haha, keep em coming

moose22
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2006 2:35 pm
Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

My dad had the right idea.

He told me: sha*g em' on the end of a cliff; that way you know they're pushing back!
Everyday you know more.

SnakeSVT2003
Posts: 1178
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2004 5:19 pm
Location: Los Angeles, California

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by SnakeSVT2003 »

moose22 wrote:My dad had the right idea.

He told me: sha*g em' on the end of a cliff; that way you know they're pushing back!



You're sig has never been more appropriate. :D
"No, there is no terrible way to win. There is only winning."
Jean-Pierre Sarti

User avatar
Banana Man
Posts: 2429
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier if all my clothes in it weren't so FABULOUS!!
I remember when this website was all fields.

User avatar
Banana Man
Posts: 2429
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

What do you call a dog with 2 d*cks?

NDubz
I remember when this website was all fields.

User avatar
jammin78
Posts: 1434
Joined: Wed May 23, 2012 1:29 pm
Location: Wrexham, UK

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by jammin78 »

"We need to talk..."

Thought the caveman.
"You are the universe expressing itself as a Human for a little while..."

Siao7
Posts: 8629
Joined: Tue May 05, 2009 11:31 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

A policeman stops this car. Goes around to the driver and starts talking while writing in his notepad:


- So we have a broken rear left indicator. Broken rear left brake light. Hole in exhaust. Worn rear tyres. Up to now I'd say at least £400...


To which the man replies:

- I don't care about the money. Just tell me, when can you have it ready for?

mac_d
Posts: 4231
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 9:41 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

Banana Man wrote:What do you call a dog with 2 d*cks?

NDubz


Enjoyed this.

jammin78 wrote:"We need to talk..."

Thought the caveman.


I like this too. This is getting texted to a few pals.

DrG
Posts: 1434
Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2012 10:45 am
Location: Sydney, Australia

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by DrG »

A couple are Christmas shopping in a packed shopping centre only for the wife to suddenly realise her husband has disappeared.

Calling him on his mobile, he answers & says in a calm voice: "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford & I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife chokes up & says with a faltering voice, "Yes, I remember."

"I’m in the bar right next to it."

User avatar
coulthards chin
Posts: 1069
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 5:44 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by coulthards chin »

I hid my Wife's Christmas present in her own drawer.

The one where she keeps her sexy lingerie she used to wear...

She'll never look in there. Ever.
Pick 10 Competition:
2013 - 10th
2014 - 9th
2015 - 6th
2019 - 10th

User avatar
Banana Man
Posts: 2429
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

I hid mine in the salad tray in the fridge for pretty much the same reason. Fat b*tch.
I remember when this website was all fields.

Fiki
Posts: 8041
Joined: Tue Oct 21, 2003 11:06 am
Location: Belgium

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Fiki »

DrG wrote:A couple are Christmas shopping in a packed shopping centre only for the wife to suddenly realise her husband has disappeared.

Calling him on his mobile, he answers & says in a calm voice: "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford & I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife chokes up & says with a faltering voice, "Yes, I remember."

"I’m in the bar right next to it."

:lol:
Use every man after his desert, and who should scape whipping? Use them after your own honour and dignity.

Maria de Villota - Jules Bianchi

User avatar
Banana Man
Posts: 2429
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

I'm going into hospital tomorrow for a small operation, I'm having a mole removed from my penis. It's nothing serious but the RSPCA say if it happens again they will press charges.
I remember when this website was all fields.

mac_d
Posts: 4231
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 9:41 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

Banana Man wrote:I'm going into hospital tomorrow for a small operation, I'm having a mole removed from my penis. It's nothing serious but the RSPCA say if it happens again they will press charges.


New meaning to molested...

User avatar
coulthards chin
Posts: 1069
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 5:44 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by coulthards chin »

When Brendan Rogers said he thought Liverpool could finish 2nd this year, I didn't realise he meant in every game.
Pick 10 Competition:
2013 - 10th
2014 - 9th
2015 - 6th
2019 - 10th

moose22
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2006 2:35 pm
Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

Hey, my boy made me laugh the other day..

He said to me in a loud voice: "Dad...WHAT'S A CU*T?"

I said, "keep your fuc*ing voice down now"

"WHAT'S A CU*T DAD"?

"I give you such a slapping in a minute", I told him.

"COME HERE!"

I took him upstairs where his mom was having a lie down......pulled the duvet back and said: "You see that black traingle there? That's a fanny.....your mother's a cu*t!"
Everyday you know more.

User avatar
MrMuttley
Posts: 580
Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2008 10:12 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by MrMuttley »

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin".

moose22
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2006 2:35 pm
Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

She fuc*ing hates me..... she really fuc*ing hates me I tell ya!!

She sat up all night watching the Alfred Hitchcock movie The Birds.

Next morning I woke up windows open and I'm covered in breadcrumbs.
Everyday you know more.

User avatar
coulthards chin
Posts: 1069
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 5:44 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by coulthards chin »

Being an insomniac isn't all that bad...

For example, its 0 more sleeps till Christmas!
Pick 10 Competition:
2013 - 10th
2014 - 9th
2015 - 6th
2019 - 10th

User avatar
minchy
Posts: 5304
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2011 1:59 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by minchy »

Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

theledge
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2007 8:53 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by theledge »

Couple of cheesey ones here......

Why did the Masseuse leave work early?
She wasn't feeling herself!

Why did the Fish only care about itself?
It was Shellfish!

Did you hear about the conjoined twins that won the lottery?
They were beside themselves!

User avatar
jammin78
Posts: 1434
Joined: Wed May 23, 2012 1:29 pm
Location: Wrexham, UK

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by jammin78 »

I've just lost my phone, and wanted to get a message out to whoever may have found it.

I can explain the photos on the phone. My hamster had come down with hypothermia and I needed to get it inside something warm, fast! Honest!
"You are the universe expressing itself as a Human for a little while..."

User avatar
Tufty
Posts: 2038
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2008 4:33 pm
Location: Colwyn Bay, North Wales

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Tufty »

coulthards chin wrote:Being an insomniac isn't all that bad...

For example, its 0 more sleeps till Christmas!

I can relate to that one! Maybe 2 or 3 at the most :lol:

jammin78 wrote:I've just lost my phone, and wanted to get a message out to whoever may have found it.

I can explain the photos on the phone. My hamster had come down with hypothermia and I needed to get it inside something warm, fast! Honest!

:lol:
Organiser of the single most low-tech Robot Wars tournament in history, PM for details!

User avatar
jammin78
Posts: 1434
Joined: Wed May 23, 2012 1:29 pm
Location: Wrexham, UK

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by jammin78 »

textfromdog.tumblr.com/

I'm just gonna put that out there...
"You are the universe expressing itself as a Human for a little while..."

Chriso
Posts: 104
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2012 12:11 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Chriso »

Inappropriate post removed.

User avatar
Banana Man
Posts: 2429
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

I've decided my new years resolution is going to be; date more supermodels.
Well, actually I'd like to date a supermodel.
Well, actually I'd just like to find a girlfriend.
Well, actually I just want to stop crying whilst I masturbate.

P.S. Bye Chriso, been nice knowing you.
I remember when this website was all fields.

vikz22
Posts: 1297
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:23 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

this is riské but here goes:

my application to a match making website was rejected recently

i failed question #14 "what do you like most in a woman"



apparently "My Dick" was not an acceptable answer

(http://cheezburger.com/6880784896)

mac_d
Posts: 4231
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 9:41 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

vikz22 wrote:this is riské but here goes:


Don't worry, that's not the most risque thing on this page... Chriso...

P-F1 Mod
Posts: 4205
Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 9:21 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by P-F1 Mod »

Banana Man wrote:P.S. Bye Chriso, been nice knowing you.

Quite.

Vikz22 - not too riske, I can assure you.

User avatar
coulthards chin
Posts: 1069
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 5:44 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by coulthards chin »

I don't like One Direction fans.

I need to cool my entire room down but this thing only points one way.
Pick 10 Competition:
2013 - 10th
2014 - 9th
2015 - 6th
2019 - 10th

DrG
Posts: 1434
Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2012 10:45 am
Location: Sydney, Australia

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by DrG »

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says, ''It's dark in here''
The man replies, ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that fairy cakes again!''

Post Reply