The Joke Thread

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vikz22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

Banana Man wrote:HIGHLY inappropriate post removed

:lol:

the jokes were risky even for me

bloody hell :lol: :lol:

RichflysVs82
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RichflysVs82 »

Just had a drug test at work. I thought the guy was joking when he told me to pee into a cup. Turns out, he was taking the gherkin.

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

Oops
I remember when this website was all fields.

mac_d
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

Banana Man.

Found them funny, but can't say I'm surprised they got removed.

Going to see KEvin Bridges tomorrow night (well later today I suppose). Glasgow comic playing in Glasgow, should be fun!

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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

Back in 'the old days', it was the Queens birthday. The court magician had a bit of a soft spot for her so thought up a very special gift. She had loverly long hair, and took lots of time each night to keep it well brushed, which the magician knew she found a chore.

Come the day of the birthday, visiting kings and court officials parade in to make their offering in turn, and the queen finds it all rather boring. More so because her husband has been unable to join her due to 'commitments of state'.

Gems and gold, fir and perfume, Silks and sparkles, just the same old thing as every year, until almost the last offering from the magician. He gives her a rather plain box, which contained a hair brush. Now the queen also likes the magician, so as not to hurt his feelings says 'Oh, thank you. Its loverly'.

The Magician, with a twinkle in his eye says 'Ah, mylady, it is not an ordinary brush, tis a magic brush'.

When you retire tonight, simply sit on the bed and say 'Magic brush, my hair' and it will groom until you say 'Magic brush, the box' and it will return to the box. You close the lid until the next night, when it will be cleaned and ready again.

To cut the story slightly shorter, the gift parade continues and the queen retires rather shattered, and straight to bed.

Some time during the night her husband comes home and slips in bed.

He is up slightly before her in the morning and while he is walking around in his night shirt she awakes.
After exchanging pleasantries, he asks about the gifts, holding up the plain box and opening the lid.

What mean soul gave you this, he says. The queen replies, it is a magic brush.
Huh, say the king, magic brush my pickle

Wooooooh, 8O

mac_d
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

Nice joke, I enjoy a joke with a bit of a story to it.

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nexus
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by nexus »

McDonalds have announced their latest burger......

The McSaville Sandwich - 84 year old meat between 13 year old baps

(Probably should have used spoiler tags....) :twisted:

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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

mac_d wrote:Nice joke, I enjoy a joke with a bit of a story to it.



Most of my jokes tend to be rambles rather than one liner;s :o

Did I tell you the one about Pythagoras?.......

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

@ Nexus, that got sent to my brother! Shady but good.

Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

moby wrote:
mac_d wrote:Nice joke, I enjoy a joke with a bit of a story to it.



Most of my jokes tend to be rambles rather than one liner;s :o

Did I tell you the one about Pythagoras?.......


Go on, I could use some humour today

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

SchumieRules wrote:
moby wrote:
mac_d wrote:Nice joke, I enjoy a joke with a bit of a story to it.



Most of my jokes tend to be rambles rather than one liner;s :o

Did I tell you the one about Pythagoras?.......


Go on, I could use some humour today


I agree. Go on

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

I've heard Tulisa is going to appear completely naked in her next music video. It's not a publicity stunt it's just because JJB Sports have closed down.
I remember when this website was all fields.

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minchy
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by minchy »

For the non UK members and those who don't watch Mock the Week:

My eldest is 21 months and my youngest is now 3 months old. We didn't want that big a gap so my wife had both by cesarean.
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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

SchumieRules wrote:
moby wrote:
mac_d wrote:Nice joke, I enjoy a joke with a bit of a story to it.



Most of my jokes tend to be rambles rather than one liner;s :o

Did I tell you the one about Pythagoras?.......


Go on, I could use some humour today


Well you guys asked, but yo will be sorry :uhoh:

I'll put it in a new post then.

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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

I know it it is not technically correct etc, but its a Joke right?


Long ago, there was an old indian called Pithagorus, who lived with his 3 squaws in a wigwam.

Now as they had recently had a long session of bad whether, it so happened that all 3 wives got pregnant.

as the time approaches, our hero had to provide for them as best he could. They needed bedding for the big event, so off he goes hunting.

He first returns with a Bare hide, which wife one takes, and off for another he goes.
He manages to kill a buffalo for this time, and back to his tent. Wife 2 takes the buffalo, but wife 3 says 'bring me something special as I am last and look how big I am. Not your run of the mill skins. Off he goes again, wondering what he can get that is different. There really was not a lot of choice in those days, but he would try. He gathered several nice skins, like Wolf, caribou, Reindeer, etc but nothing out of the ordinary. He was just on the point of returning home and having to disappoint his wife, when luck would have it he came across a trader, who was interested in his skins. He explained his situation to the trader who said, Ah I have the very thing, and produces a hippopotamus skin from his wagon.

Wife 3 was very happy with her new 'different' bedding and gave birth as expected.

Now our old indian was a bit of a pocket sage, and when wife 1 had a boy, wife 2 had twin boys and wife 3 had triplets, he thought

Ah, the sum of the suns of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equivalent to the sum of the suns of the squaws on the 2 adjacent hides.

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MrMuttley
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by MrMuttley »

I swear women are so ungrateful sometimes.

I made her breakfast in bed with a white lilly (her favourite) in a vase on the tray and everything just perfect for her. Instead of a 'Thank you' she gets all agressive and says "Who the **** are you. Get out of my house before I call the cops!"

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

moby wrote:I know it it is not technically correct etc, but its a Joke right?


Long ago, there was an old indian called Pithagorus, who lived with his 3 squaws in a wigwam.

Now as they had recently had a long session of bad whether, it so happened that all 3 wives got pregnant.

as the time approaches, our hero had to provide for them as best he could. They needed bedding for the big event, so off he goes hunting.

He first returns with a Bare hide, which wife one takes, and off for another he goes.
He manages to kill a buffalo for this time, and back to his tent. Wife 2 takes the buffalo, but wife 3 says 'bring me something special as I am last and look how big I am. Not your run of the mill skins. Off he goes again, wondering what he can get that is different. There really was not a lot of choice in those days, but he would try. He gathered several nice skins, like Wolf, caribou, Reindeer, etc but nothing out of the ordinary. He was just on the point of returning home and having to disappoint his wife, when luck would have it he came across a trader, who was interested in his skins. He explained his situation to the trader who said, Ah I have the very thing, and produces a hippopotamus skin from his wagon.

Wife 3 was very happy with her new 'different' bedding and gave birth as expected.

Now our old indian was a bit of a pocket sage, and when wife 1 had a boy, wife 2 had twin boys and wife 3 had triplets, he thought

Ah, the sum of the suns of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equivalent to the sum of the suns of the squaws on the 2 adjacent hides.


Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, 'If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm... uh...'

The barman says, 'Y, the long face?'
I remember when this website was all fields.

Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

There's this Jewish guy with his 5-year old son at the beach. His son is happily playing with his little plastic bucket, building a sand castle.

Suddenly a huge waves comes out of nowhere and takes the kid away. The father goes crazy, looking at the sky he starts praying to god:

- PLEASE GOD, PLEASE, give me back my son. He is my whole life and I love him dearly. Please hear your servant and send me back my child...

After a minute, a second even bigger wave appears and his son is back! The father cannot believe it. So tearfully he looks to the sky with reverence and devotion.

Then he whispers:


"And the bucket???"

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coulthards chin
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by coulthards chin »

I was in Luton today and I saw a tightrope walker crossing from one high building to the next.

Fair enough, I thought to myself - It's probably the safest way to get around

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

Might have posted this one before, can't be bothered to check but anyway;

I saw a group of protestors in London today, they were chanting...

What do we want?
A cure for tourettes!
When do we want it?
C*nts!
I remember when this website was all fields.

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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

moose22 wrote:My mate Lisa once went out with this bloke who was a magician.

He disappeared for a couple of months.


I went out with a which

We turned into a layby

Saz
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Saz »

coulthards chin wrote:I was in Luton today and I saw a tightrope walker crossing from one high building to the next.

Fair enough, I thought to myself - It's probably the safest way to get around



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: +1 this. So glad I moved away from that town...
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Saz wrote:
coulthards chin wrote:I was in Luton today and I saw a tightrope walker crossing from one high building to the next.

Fair enough, I thought to myself - It's probably the safest way to get around



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: +1 this. So glad I moved away from that town...


My colleague who got mugged there a few months back found it funny. Said he wished he had thought of it earlier!

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MrMuttley
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by MrMuttley »

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.


I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

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coulthards chin
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by coulthards chin »

Apparently when you spend £5 on a coffee in Starbucks you get a free mug.

Just stop by the nearest mirror to see it.
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coulthards chin
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by coulthards chin »

My date told me she doesn't think we should see each other again on the walk home tonight because I wasn't 'manly' enough for her.

"Fair enough, thanks for walking me home anyway" I said shutting my front door.
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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

SchumieRules wrote:
Saz wrote:
coulthards chin wrote:I was in Luton today and I saw a tightrope walker crossing from one high building to the next.

Fair enough, I thought to myself - It's probably the safest way to get around



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: +1 this. So glad I moved away from that town...


My colleague who got mugged there a few months back found it funny. Said he wished he had thought of it earlier!


Why was being mugged so funny?
I remember when this website was all fields.

Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Banana Man wrote:
SchumieRules wrote:
Saz wrote:
coulthards chin wrote:I was in Luton today and I saw a tightrope walker crossing from one high building to the next.

Fair enough, I thought to myself - It's probably the safest way to get around



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: +1 this. So glad I moved away from that town...


My colleague who got mugged there a few months back found it funny. Said he wished he had thought of it earlier!


Why was being mugged so funny?


I meant he found the joke funny dude, come on

fatsi
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by fatsi »

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

fatboy72 wrote:A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."


I'm sure that joke is already on here somewhere but with a department store rather than Hotel.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by fatsi »

Oops.....ah well!
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nexus
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by nexus »

A guy was standing at the bar when a beautiful brunette slid onto the stool next to him....he said....'you remind me of my little toe'....and she said...blushing..'oh?...is it because I'm small and cute?'

He said 'No...I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk'.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

nexus wrote:A guy was standing at the bar when a beautiful brunette slid onto the stool next to him....he said....'you remind me of my little toe'....and she said...blushing..'oh?...is it because I'm small and cute?'

He said 'No...I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk'.


:lol: :twisted:

mac_d
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

Not a joke but perhaps amusing nonetheless.

I was cutting some chilli then after this wiped my running nose. Ended up with Chilli in my nose burning up. So I stuck a frozen chip up each nostril. My mother was rather surprised.

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MrMuttley
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by MrMuttley »

The list of "Stupid stuff that happens with chilli" gets another worthy entry.

:thumbup: :lol:

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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

mac_d wrote:Not a joke but perhaps amusing nonetheless.

I was cutting some chilli then after this wiped my running nose. Ended up with Chilli in my nose burning up. So I stuck a frozen chip up each nostril. My mother was rather surprised.


Damn good job you did not need a pee then init?

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

mac_d wrote:Not a joke but perhaps amusing nonetheless.

I was cutting some chilli then after this wiped my running nose. Ended up with Chilli in my nose burning up. So I stuck a frozen chip up each nostril. My mother was rather surprised.


I remember the day after a particularly violent curry I inserted a frozen fish finger about my person to try and relieve the pain. It worked quite well but when I pulled the fish finger out it was burned to a crisp. I decided not to eat it.
I remember when this website was all fields.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

moby wrote:
mac_d wrote:Not a joke but perhaps amusing nonetheless.

I was cutting some chilli then after this wiped my running nose. Ended up with Chilli in my nose burning up. So I stuck a frozen chip up each nostril. My mother was rather surprised.


Damn good job you did not need a pee then init?


True.

Though I wash my hands thoroughly before and after I go to the bathroom. I spend a lot of time in a Chemistry lab, so I always play it safe...

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by ob1kenobi.23 »

A drunk was staggering home through a grave yard on a rainy night when he stumbled into an open grave.
He struggled might & mane to get out but as he struggled the soil just crumbling & finally exhausted he gave up & lay down.
A short time later a second drunk fell into the grave & started to struggle as he tried in vain to get out.
The first guy said, “your wasting your time mate, you’ll never get out”.
But he did.
Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by dave_the_fish »

ob1kenobi.23 wrote:A drunk was staggering home through a grave yard on a rainy night when he stumbled into an open grave.
He struggled might & mane to get out but as he struggled the soil just crumbling & finally exhausted he gave up & lay down.
A short time later a second drunk fell into the grave & started to struggle as he tried in vain to get out.
The first guy said, “your wasting your time mate, you’ll never get out”.
But he did.

I don't get it :blush:
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