The Joke Thread

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minchy
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by minchy »

bouncemaker wrote:.......
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKERWRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?

:lol:
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

SnakeSVT2003
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by SnakeSVT2003 »

Spooony wrote:My son said, "Dad, can I start going ballroom dancing?"

I said, "No, it's too dangerous."

He said, "Why is it?"

I said, "Because I'll break your legs, you all hail the mods little puff."



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


I remember saying something like this to a friend years ago, except he asked me if he could drive my car. :nod:
"No, there is no terrible way to win. There is only winning."
Jean-Pierre Sarti

Argentum
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Argentum »

Image

Angel De La Muerte
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Angel De La Muerte »

I'll add a few!

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the gherkin out the underpants.

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do
something religious'. So I took up a collection.

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at
him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

If thread still on front page next week I shall do some more haha and I leave you with this

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty
and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...

Much credit goes to the late great Tommy Cooper!

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domdonald
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by domdonald »

Angel De La Muerte wrote:I'll add a few!

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the gherkin out the underpants.

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do
something religious'. So I took up a collection.

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at
him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

If thread still on front page next week I shall do some more haha and I leave you with this

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty
and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...

Much credit goes to the late great Tommy Cooper!


that one always makes me laugh :)

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Kamian
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Kamian »

A guy returns home from hospital, where he was visiting his mother-in-law, and sais to his wife:

-Honey, your mom is getting better and very soon she is going to live with us in our house.

-But the doctor told me yesterday that she is dying - replies the wife with tears in eyes

-I don't know what that doctor told you, he told me today that I should be prepared for the worst.

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bbobeckyj
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bbobeckyj »

Kamian wrote:A guy returns home from hospital, where he was visiting his mother-in-law, and sais to his wife:

-Honey, your mom is getting better and very soon she is going to live with us in our house.

-But the doctor told me yesterday that she is dying - replies the wife with tears in eyes

-I don't know what that doctor told you, he told me today that I should be prepared for the worst.

:lol: I like that one enough to reply. And seeing as I hate getting emails about a new topic post, and it's just a person saying 'lol', I'll have to actually post a joke or two now. Should be a varied mix for all tastes.

Bill worked in a food processing plant.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to
confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his private parts into the cucumber slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he
would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill ?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my private
parts into the cucumber slicer?"
"Oh, Bill , you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"Oh dear, Bill , what happened?"
"I got caught, .... and I got fired."
" No , Bill . I mean, what happened with the cucumber slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

My favourite joke, courtesy of Bob Monkhouse: "When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?"

Why are pirates called pirates? Because they ARRRR!!

I'm going to live forever, or die trying.

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Tufty
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Tufty »

I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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bouncemaker
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Another Bill Clinton one:

One student turned in the following book report on "My Life" by Bill Clinton and Titanic by James Cameron, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: cost - $29.99.
Clinton: cost - $29.99.

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there. 8O

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. 8O

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary (basically the same thing?). :nod:
There is no try, only do.

vikz22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

:lol: :lol: :lol:

moose22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

bouncemaker wrote:
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there. 8O

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. 8O


Those made me LOL.

There was a joke back then about Clinton 'splashing out' on a new dress for Monica but I can't remember how it went :lol:
Everyday you know more.

moose22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

Two old ladys having a chat on a street corner...

Suddenly, a naked man runs past..

One old lady has a stroke, and the other wasn't quick enough!
Everyday you know more.

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bouncemaker
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

What would a company of dogs look like?

Image

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Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image
There is no try, only do.

moose22
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

^^^ 'After the company event' and 'Janitor #2'

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



Been there on the first one too :blush:
Everyday you know more.

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dave_the_fish
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by dave_the_fish »

I just met the chap who invented windowsills .


He's a ledge
Heads slowly turning to mush

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bouncemaker
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

Some sayings and other funny stuff:

Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

It used to be only death and taxes, Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

Definition of a teenager? They are God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter... don't mind ... and those that mind ...don't matter!

As you slide down the banister of life, you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way!
There is no try, only do.

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daytona81
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by daytona81 »

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?



Why because he uses the finest ingredients of course.


Geez, I'll bet you people were thinking of something more horrible.
Image

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bouncemaker
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

CELL PHONES IN PUBLIC, A CAUTIONARY TALE....

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to our heroine pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's John, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, that floozie from the accounts office wasn't there, it was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. Ten minutes later at the next station he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him said, at the top of her voice:

"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public anymore.
There is no try, only do.

vikz22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

bouncemaker wrote:CELL PHONES IN PUBLIC, A CAUTIONARY TALE....

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to our heroine pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's John, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, that floozie from the accounts office wasn't there, it was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. Ten minutes later at the next station he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him said, at the top of her voice:

"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public anymore.




:lol: :lol: :lol:

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bouncemaker
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

For the ladies:

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' was the wifes reply. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'
And they say blondes are dumb....
------------ --------- ---------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
------------ --------- ---------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..
'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- ---------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
------------ --------- ---------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world...

Then He made the earth round.
There is no try, only do.

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bouncemaker
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bouncemaker »

For the pun lovers:

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore..

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola bottling plant. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a ripoff!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
There is no try, only do.

RichflysVs82
Posts: 132
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2011 8:01 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RichflysVs82 »

bouncemaker wrote:For the pun lovers:

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore..

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola bottling plant. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a ripoff!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


All of these are awesome!

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

Not really a joke, but I cried watching this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... L1foQKD3OI

It's the 3rd one that sets me off. :lol:
I remember when this website was all fields.

vikz22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

Banana Man wrote:Not really a joke, but I cried watching this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... L1foQKD3OI

It's the 3rd one that sets me off. :lol:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH4bqVlk ... re=related

this one kills it! tourettes parrot!

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ob1kenobi.23
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by ob1kenobi.23 »

Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

mac_d
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

bouncemaker wrote:PMS jokes aren't funny, period.


Aaaaaaand that's getting used the first time anyone mentions anything even vaguely related!

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Tufty
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Tufty »

mac_d wrote:
bouncemaker wrote:PMS jokes aren't funny, period.


Aaaaaaand that's getting used the first time anyone mentions anything even vaguely related!

Careful, I still have the scars from when I told my mother that joke!
Organiser of the single most low-tech Robot Wars tournament in history, PM for details!

moose22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

If Dire Straights and Chris Rea formed a band....


...would they call it Dire Rea?
Everyday you know more.

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domdonald
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by domdonald »

moose22 wrote:If Dire Straights and Chris Rea formed a band....


...would they call it Dire Rea?


They'd probably call it Chris Straits, which would be funnier.


I bought a rocket salad the other day. It went off before I could eat it.

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f1madman
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by f1madman »

Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the moooo-vies.


Curtousy of my little niece.
Pathfinder

RichflysVs82
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RichflysVs82 »

Jimmy Carr one liners:

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

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nexus
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by nexus »

Image

vikz22
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by vikz22 »

nexus wrote:Image



:lol: :lol:


purely because that sign,and your sig are priceless, Webber :lol:

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MrMuttley
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by MrMuttley »

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 Million

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."


Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
He says "you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

RichflysVs82
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RichflysVs82 »

MrMuttley wrote:A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 Million

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."


Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
He says "you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."



:lol: Brilliant!

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nexus
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by nexus »

The Archbishop of Canterbury and the Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather' (Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)

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MrMuttley
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by MrMuttley »

I went to my local zoo recently and was really disappointed to find there was only one exhibit of a small lapdog.

it was a Shih Tzu.

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nexus
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by nexus »

A bit juvenile but has me in stitches for a while

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDFogjXd ... r_embedded

mac_d
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

nexus wrote:A bit juvenile but has me in stitches for a while

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDFogjXd ... r_embedded


2nd comment I see just says "She has sharp titties". Anyway, amused by both.

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Jezza13
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Jezza13 »

Ok, here goes.

A bloke was walking down the street on day when he seen the wierdest funeral parade ever.

The Hearse was in the lead, followed by a man walking a large dog. Behind him was a group of 50 - 60 other men.

Curiosity gets the better of the bloke so he walks up to the man with the dog and asks him whats going on.

"Thats my mother in law in the coffin," replies the man.

The bloke extends his condolences and asks how she died. "My dog mauled her".

The bloke says," Geez, I wouldn't mind borrowing that dog for a couple of hours".

The man says, "Yeah, well you can get in line with the rest of them."
Races since last non RB, Merc, Ferrari winner (After Britain - 20) - 142 & counting.( Last win, Lotus, 17/3/13)

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