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The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".

Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been a trick question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.

And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

Not so much a joke per se but a rather amusing double entendre that occurred recently.

I was in the Gents at my workplace when a colleague came in and took the urinal next to me (for the record - it's a small Gents, there are only two urinals; it's not as if he had a choice and decided to park himself right next door!).
'How are you?' he asked. Usual polite greeting.
'Oh, you know,' I replied, shrugging (ok, probably not totally wise to shrug whilst engaged in the act of relieving yourself), 'Holding my own.'

It quickly dawned on both of us that the phrase Holding My Own may not be the most appropriate whilst at a urinal.

Edited for spelling

Air hostess: "We have a very sick passenger, is there a doctor on board?"
Vegan: "I'm a vegan."

I've just had my first visit to Fight Club. I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed Fight Club and I would recommend Fight Club to everyone.

Hallowe'en is just a couple of weeks, or so, away and I understand that the Jehova's Witnesses movement does not celebrate this.

So you don't like people knocking on your doors, then..?

My ex had a parrot. My god that thing would never shut up.


The parrot was fun though!

I still don't get it, how do people get eaten by sharks. Can't they hear the music when they are approaching?

Appatently statistics show that on average a person has sex 90 times a year. Judging from my year so far, I'm going to have a hell of a wild December!

A Roman walks into a pub, holds up 2 fingers and says 5 pints please.




Cortana just told me that

moby wrote:A Roman walks into a pub, holds up 2 fingers and says 5 pints please.




Cortana just told me that

I knew I'd heard that somewhere before!

moby wrote:A Roman walks into a pub, holds up 2 fingers and says 5 pints please.




Cortana just told me that

On a similar theme, there are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't

Or, there are 11 types of people in this world, those who understand roman numerals and those who don't

The traditionalist in me wants to point out that really there are three types of people. Those who can count and those who can't.

There are in reality only 2. Me and others.

moby wrote:There are in reality only 2. Me and others.

That's my line, get your own.

Since the past few jokes have been number based, have some awful maths jokes. You're welcome

Q. What do you get if you cross Algebra with the Proms?
A. The Quadratic Formal

Q. What do you get if you cross a Mountain Climber with a Mosquito?
A. Nothing. You can't cross a Scalar and a Vector

Q. Why did the polynomial plant wilt?
A. It's roots were imaginary.

Q. Why do they never serve beer at a maths party?
A. Because you can't drink and derive

Q. What is the definition of a polar bear?
A. A rectangular bear after a co-ordinate transformation.

Q. What did the mathematician say when he finished his Christmas dinner?
A. root -1 / root 64 I will stop there before I get thrown out.

Saz wrote:Since the past few jokes have been number based, have some awful maths jokes. You're welcome

Q. What do you get if you cross Algebra with the Proms?
A. The Quadratic Formal

Q. What do you get if you cross a Mountain Climber with a Mosquito?
A. Nothing. You can't cross a Scalar and a Vector

Q. Why did the polynomial plant wilt?
A. It's roots were imaginary.

Q. Why do they never serve beer at a maths party?
A. Because you can't drink and derive

Q. What is the definition of a polar bear?
A. A rectangular bear after a co-ordinate transformation.

Q. What did the mathematician say when he finished his Christmas dinner?
A. root -1 / root 64

Spoiler (click to show)

I over 8

I will stop there before I get thrown out.

Giving mods headaches doesn't go down well

Saz wrote: Q. Why do they never serve beer at a maths party?
A. Because you can't drink and derive.

WATCH ME!

Saz wrote:Since the past few jokes have been number based, have some awful maths jokes. You're welcome

Q. What do you get if you cross Algebra with the Proms?
A. The Quadratic Formal

Q. What do you get if you cross a Mountain Climber with a Mosquito?
A. Nothing. You can't cross a Scalar and a Vector

Q. Why did the polynomial plant wilt?
A. It's roots were imaginary.

Q. Why do they never serve beer at a maths party?
A. Because you can't drink and derive

Q. What is the definition of a polar bear?
A. A rectangular bear after a co-ordinate transformation.

Q. What did the mathematician say when he finished his Christmas dinner?
A. root -1 / root 64

Spoiler (click to show)

I over 8

I will stop there before I get thrown out.

I was a fraction slow there. I could not fit 1/8 into the joke. I had to look at the spoiler, then it was easy as c/d

I think this thread is well overdue for a revival.

My wife has just started a women only exercise group. I would like to go with her, but apparently its Nodick walking.

My wife loves me so much, for Valentine's day she bought me a trampoline and a ceiling fan!

Asphalt_World wrote:My wife loves me so much, for Valentine's day she bought me a trampoline and a ceiling fan!

You seen the Creme Egg advert

My wife loves me so much that she treats me like a god.

Every meal is either a bloody sacrifice or a burnt offering.

Fifty Shades of Grey. Isn't that the UK weather forecast?

tootsie323 wrote:Fifty Shades of Grey. Isn't that the UK weather forecast?

I thought it's the colour Mod Grey went when he had a few drinks

My 6 year old niece told me a joke recently:

Why didn't the hen and the rooster cross the road? Because they were two chicken

tootsie323 wrote:Fifty Shades of Grey. Isn't that the UK weather forecast?

There's a sequel coming out called '50 Shades of Brown'.

You don't want to know what it's about.

Went to a bar last night and there was a fat girl dancing on the table. She said " what you think luv?"

I said " good legs ". She replied " you think so ?"

I said " Well yes, of course. a normal table would have collapsed when you got on "

Aren't all cars 'people carriers'?

Asphalt_World wrote:Aren't all cars 'people carriers'?

No, some of them are penis enlargers

How does a crazy person walk through the woods?

They take the psychopath.

What do electric train sets and women's breasts have in common?

They were both originally intended for children, but grown men play with them.

A new law has come in allowing the police to hand out £100 fines simply for when they see bad driving.

Bit sexist isn't it?

minchy wrote:

Asphalt_World wrote:Aren't all cars 'people carriers'?

No, some of them are penis enlargers

Indeed.

The first time I heard that sweet, rumbling V8 in a Terminator Mustang, my penis was enlarged considerably.

Not completely, though. I was wearing jeans that day.

Banana Man wrote:

tootsie323 wrote:Fifty Shades of Grey. Isn't that the UK weather forecast?

There's a sequel coming out called '50 Shades of Brown'.

You don't want to know what it's about.

So far the reviews are sh...

P-F1 Mod wrote:

Banana Man wrote:

tootsie323 wrote:Fifty Shades of Grey. Isn't that the UK weather forecast?

There's a sequel coming out called '50 Shades of Brown'.

You don't want to know what it's about.

So far the reviews are sh...

Is that the one starring Skid Marx as Richard the turd?

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.