The Joke Thread

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Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Pre-mobile phone conversation when visiting friends:

- So where's the toilet mate?
- End of the corridor to the right
- What cleaning equipment do you have?
- Bleach, Cif, Flash
- Oh, I've read these before, anything else?

Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Talking to a girl on facebook:

- Your pictures look lovely. What beauty products do you use?
- Adobe...

DrG
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by DrG »

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat.

They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!

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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

[quote="DrG"](This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat.

They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable![/quot


Saw that before. Some US chat show host had them all in the studio. hilarious. (poss on utube?)

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

SchumieRules wrote:Pre-mobile phone conversation when visiting friends:

- So where's the toilet mate?
- End of the corridor to the right
- What cleaning equipment do you have?
- Bleach, Cif, Flash
- Oh, I've read these before, anything else?
I was very lucky growing up as we had a Machine Mart catalogue in our downstairs toilet. I think at one point I'd inadvertently memorised the product number for a petrol driven Bosch strimmer. Good times.
I remember when this website was all fields.

Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Banana Man wrote:
SchumieRules wrote:Pre-mobile phone conversation when visiting friends:

- So where's the toilet mate?
- End of the corridor to the right
- What cleaning equipment do you have?
- Bleach, Cif, Flash
- Oh, I've read these before, anything else?
I was very lucky growing up as we had a Machine Mart catalogue in our downstairs toilet. I think at one point I'd inadvertently memorised the product number for a petrol driven Bosch strimmer. Good times.
I think I memorised the emergency center phone line from the bleach product!

Good times indeed

Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

- Would you sleep with me for £10m?
- Hmm, I guess I would.
- Would you do it for £10?
- How dare you, what do you think I am?
- Well, what you are we established already. Now we are haggling the price!

ob1kenobi.23
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by ob1kenobi.23 »

At my age "getting lucky" means walking into the bedroom and remembering what I came in there for.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.
Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

ob1kenobi.23
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by ob1kenobi.23 »

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied, 'That answer is.... Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.
'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde...
'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

DrG
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by DrG »

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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huggybear
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by huggybear »

I've started to really like terrible jokes. Like the one Al Pacino once told Johnny Depp:

A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.

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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

I went into a cafe in town with the wife yesterday.

The waitress said she had seen us walking down the street hand-in-hand and thought how sweet it was at our age.

I did not have the heart to tell her I hold my wifes hand to stop her running into shops.

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Schumaker, Seven
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Schumaker, Seven »

So this plantain walks into a KFC and finds a lemon. He asks, "Hey, do you work here?" The lemon says "No, I work at the dealership."
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Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Schumaker, Seven wrote:So this plantain walks into a KFC and finds a lemon. He asks, "Hey, do you work here?" The lemon says "No, I work at the dealership."
Don't get it...

Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Scientists in Vienna have finally discovered what women want.

In the meantime, women have changed their mind...

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

If I had £1 for every woman who found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I remember when this website was all fields.

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Schumaker, Seven
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Schumaker, Seven »

SchumieRules wrote:
Schumaker, Seven wrote:So this plantain walks into a KFC and finds a lemon. He asks, "Hey, do you work here?" The lemon says "No, I work at the dealership."
Don't get it...
Sigh... that American humor.
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Schumaker, Seven
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Schumaker, Seven »

So this fake eyelash walks into a movie, and starts watching. After 55 minutes time, she leaves, citing she didn't know that the duration of the film would be depicting jail life.
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bbobeckyj
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by bbobeckyj »

Schumaker, Seven wrote:So this fake eyelash walks into a movie, and starts watching. After 55 minutes time, she leaves, citing she didn't know that the duration of the film would be depicting jail life.
Maybe these are getting lost in translation? I don't understand both of your jokes.

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minchy
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by minchy »

bbobeckyj wrote:
Schumaker, Seven wrote:So this fake eyelash walks into a movie, and starts watching. After 55 minutes time, she leaves, citing she didn't know that the duration of the film would be depicting jail life.
Maybe these are getting lost in translation? I don't understand both of your jokes.
I'm thinking maybe it's something to do with a what it would look like if you were looking through a set of fake eyelashes - you'd see lines right in front of your eyes making it look like the whole film was set behind bars? It doesn't really work for me, cause if an eyelash in the singular is watching it would mean that it's pretend eyes are somehow floating behind it and if they were, it would only be 1 bar, not lots :?

?
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

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Schumaker, Seven
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Schumaker, Seven »

minchy wrote:
bbobeckyj wrote:
Schumaker, Seven wrote:So this fake eyelash walks into a movie, and starts watching. After 55 minutes time, she leaves, citing she didn't know that the duration of the film would be depicting jail life.
Maybe these are getting lost in translation? I don't understand both of your jokes.
I'm thinking maybe it's something to do with a what it would look like if you were looking through a set of fake eyelashes - you'd see lines right in front of your eyes making it look like the whole film was set behind bars? It doesn't really work for me, cause if an eyelash in the singular is watching it would mean that it's pretend eyes are somehow floating behind it and if they were, it would only be 1 bar, not lots :?

?
(Sigh) I give up. I leave it to the proffesionals. 👤
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Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Schumaker, Seven wrote:
minchy wrote:
bbobeckyj wrote:
Schumaker, Seven wrote:So this fake eyelash walks into a movie, and starts watching. After 55 minutes time, she leaves, citing she didn't know that the duration of the film would be depicting jail life.
Maybe these are getting lost in translation? I don't understand both of your jokes.
I'm thinking maybe it's something to do with a what it would look like if you were looking through a set of fake eyelashes - you'd see lines right in front of your eyes making it look like the whole film was set behind bars? It doesn't really work for me, cause if an eyelash in the singular is watching it would mean that it's pretend eyes are somehow floating behind it and if they were, it would only be 1 bar, not lots :?

?
(Sigh) I give up. I leave it to the proffesionals. 👤
Or, you know, you could explain both jokes?

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Banana Man
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Banana Man »

He's just having a massive wind-up, ignore him. Those aren't jokes, just some nonsensical ramblings aimed at confusing people.
I remember when this website was all fields.

Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Banana Man wrote:He's just having a massive wind-up, ignore him. Those aren't jokes, just some nonsensical ramblings aimed at confusing people.
Hmmmm, don't know. It's rather annoying not explaining something that others don't get though. Just bad taste

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Schumaker, Seven
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Schumaker, Seven »

Schumaker, Seven wrote:So this fake eyelash walks into a movie, and starts watching. After 55 minutes time, she leaves, citing she didn't know that the duration of the film would be depicting jail life.
The eyelash itself is remeniscent of the chicks who you undoubtedly have seen strutting around in fake eyelashes. The bars in jail technicality, of course, was a technical infarction on my part.
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Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Schumaker, Seven wrote:
Schumaker, Seven wrote:So this fake eyelash walks into a movie, and starts watching. After 55 minutes time, she leaves, citing she didn't know that the duration of the film would be depicting jail life.
The eyelash itself is remeniscent of the chicks who you undoubtedly have seen strutting around in fake eyelashes. The bars in jail technicality, of course, was a technical infarction on my part.
Thanks for that. I get it now.

The dealership one still makes me wonder!

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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

SchumieRules wrote:
Schumaker, Seven wrote:
Schumaker, Seven wrote:So this fake eyelash walks into a movie, and starts watching. After 55 minutes time, she leaves, citing she didn't know that the duration of the film would be depicting jail life.
The eyelash itself is remeniscent of the chicks who you undoubtedly have seen strutting around in fake eyelashes. The bars in jail technicality, of course, was a technical infarction on my part.
Thanks for that. I get it now.

The dealership one still makes me wonder!
I believe the American name for a very poor car is a lemon

Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

moby wrote:
SchumieRules wrote:
Schumaker, Seven wrote:
Schumaker, Seven wrote:So this fake eyelash walks into a movie, and starts watching. After 55 minutes time, she leaves, citing she didn't know that the duration of the film would be depicting jail life.
The eyelash itself is remeniscent of the chicks who you undoubtedly have seen strutting around in fake eyelashes. The bars in jail technicality, of course, was a technical infarction on my part.
Thanks for that. I get it now.

The dealership one still makes me wonder!
I believe the American name for a very poor car is a lemon
Still doesn't make much sense, with the plantain and KFC and all, but anyway!

RaggedMan
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RaggedMan »

SchumieRules wrote:
moby wrote:
SchumieRules wrote:
Schumaker, Seven wrote:
Schumaker, Seven wrote:So this fake eyelash walks into a movie, and starts watching. After 55 minutes time, she leaves, citing she didn't know that the duration of the film would be depicting jail life.
The eyelash itself is remeniscent of the chicks who you undoubtedly have seen strutting around in fake eyelashes. The bars in jail technicality, of course, was a technical infarction on my part.
Thanks for that. I get it now.

The dealership one still makes me wonder!
I believe the American name for a very poor car is a lemon
Still doesn't make much sense, with the plantain and KFC and all, but anyway!
I though this was meant to be along the lines of a "joke" we used to tell to see if another kid was laughing at jokes that he didn't get just because he knew a joke had been told so he should laugh.

Two penguins are sitting in the bathtub. One says "Pass me the ham." The other says "What do you think I am, a radio?"
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Saz
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Saz »

A few bad word puns for you:

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump

I will take my leave now
The two most powerful warriors are patience and time…so remember: great achievements take time, there is no overnight success.

Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

Saz wrote:A few bad word puns for you:

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump

I will take my leave now
Haha

RaggedMan
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by RaggedMan »

Saz wrote:A few bad word puns for you:

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump

I will take my leave now
Left handed golfers are the only ones to stand on the right side of the ball.
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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

RaggedMan wrote:
Saz wrote:A few bad word puns for you:

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump

I will take my leave now
Left handed golfers are the only ones to stand on the right side of the ball.

Can anyone name 3 "races" where the winner wins by going backwards fastest?

Siao7
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Siao7 »

moby wrote:
RaggedMan wrote:
Saz wrote:A few bad word puns for you:

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump

I will take my leave now
Left handed golfers are the only ones to stand on the right side of the ball.

Can anyone name 3 "races" where the winner wins by going backwards fastest?
I'd say anything with rowing

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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

SchumieRules wrote:
moby wrote:
RaggedMan wrote:
Saz wrote:A few bad word puns for you:

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump

I will take my leave now
Left handed golfers are the only ones to stand on the right side of the ball.

Can anyone name 3 "races" where the winner wins by going backwards fastest?
I'd say anything with rowing
I put "races" in inverted commas intending to indicate that rowing etc counts as one, rather than sub groups of rowing.

(correct for 1 btw)

Argentum
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Argentum »

Tug of war? Backstroke

ob1kenobi.23
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by ob1kenobi.23 »

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story Of a man on the ledge of a large building Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building, Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again."


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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mac_d »

Argentum wrote:Tug of war? Backstroke
Tug of war fits the winners go backwards but "the winner wins by going backwards fastest?" makes me unsure. I suppose whomever does go backwards fastest in Tug of War does win but it'd be a very strange phrasing, even by word puzzle standards.

Competitive Moonwalking would fit. Though I'm pretty sure that isn't a real thing.

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moby
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moby »

Argentum wrote:Tug of war? Backstroke
:thumbup:

There is this, but I was not including it

http://www.wackynation.com/reverse-running

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by moose22 »

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying,

"Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Everyday you know more.

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