The Joke Thread

5thgearmax · Post by **5thgearmax** » Mon Jul 30, 2012 11:42 pm

This thread is always good for a daily laugh. Keep it up!

moose22 · Post by **moose22** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 7:38 pm

A man to a pretty girl: "Can I smell your fanny?"
Girl: "NO YOU CAN'T!!"
Man: In the that case it must be your feet then!

Banana Man · Post by **Banana Man** » Thu Aug 02, 2012 11:15 am

Just seen Lenny Henry on one of those Premier Inn ads, saying he hates getting up at the crack of dawn.

Perhaps he should try viagra.

Banana Man · Post by **Banana Man** » Thu Aug 02, 2012 3:39 pm

The Somalian Olympic team have just issued an appology to the IOC. Apparently they didn't realise the shooting and sailing were seperate events.

Banana Man · Post by **Banana Man** » Thu Aug 02, 2012 3:46 pm

I school biology teacher draws a penis on the blackboard and says, "who can tell me what this is?"

One pupil puts his hand up and says, "It's what my dad uses to clean the babysitter's teeth"

Banana Man · Post by **Banana Man** » Thu Aug 02, 2012 3:48 pm

A man goes for penis extension and the Doc suggests a baby Elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees.

Six weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels a stirring in his pants and thinks 'this is the night!'
While chatting over dinner his cock suddenly flys out, steals some fruit off the table and goes back.

'Wow!' she said, 'can you do that again?'

He says 'my cock can but i don't think my pickle could take another apple.'

Siao7 · Post by **Siao7** » Thu Aug 02, 2012 4:17 pm

Excellent!

Keep them coming please

vikz22 · Post by **vikz22** » Thu Aug 02, 2012 5:19 pm

Every time i see Banana man has contributed to this thread, i know there are going to be some epic jokes!

keep em coming!

Banana Man · Post by **Banana Man** » Thu Aug 02, 2012 5:34 pm

I think the opening ceremony really encapsulated what it is to be British. A group of young people setting something on fire.

fourearedfox · Post by **fourearedfox** » Fri Aug 03, 2012 5:56 am

About a month before my grandfather died my grandmother covered his back with lard.

After that he went down hill pretty quickly...

MrMuttley · Post by **MrMuttley** » Fri Aug 03, 2012 8:54 am

Keeping with the Olympic theme.

How many G4S security gaurds does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three soldiers and a policeman

fatsi · Post by **fatsi** » Fri Aug 03, 2012 9:20 am

So Didier Drogba leaves Chelsea and moves to China. A few weeks later China clean up in the Olympic diving medals. Coinicidence?

vikz22 · Post by **vikz22** » Fri Aug 03, 2012 9:24 am

fatboy72 wrote:So Didier Drogba leaves Chelsea and moves to China. A few weeks later China clean up in the Olympic diving medals. Coinicidence?

mac_d · Post by **mac_d** » Fri Aug 03, 2012 11:28 am

MrMuttley wrote:Keeping with the Olympic theme.

How many G4S security gaurds does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three soldiers and a policeman

THAT IS GETTING STOLEN AND TOLD AT DINNER TONIGHT!

Other jokes also great, I do enjoy this thread.

Tufty · Post by **Tufty** » Fri Aug 03, 2012 2:05 pm

mac_d wrote:
MrMuttley wrote:Keeping with the Olympic theme.

How many G4S security gaurds does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three soldiers and a policeman

THAT IS GETTING STOLEN AND TOLD AT DINNER TONIGHT!

Other jokes also great, I do enjoy this thread.

Wait, that was a joke?

painless · Post by **painless** » Fri Aug 03, 2012 5:19 pm

One from my youth so an OLD joke but may be worth it.
Two girls are walking on the beach and come to a lifeguards' station. Sitting up there is a guy with a body women would drool over: chiselled, buffed, toned whatever, but the guy has a head about the size of a tennis ball. After much giggling and egging one another on one of the girls plucks up the courage to ask the obvious question. "Why's your head so small?" "Well" he says " I was on duty one day and I saw a swimmer in trouble in the surf so I swam out and rescued her. When I got her to the beach I saw she was a mermaid but I did the artificial respiration and she came round very quickly. When she had recovered she said to me "I am a mermaid and have magical powers; for saving my life I will grant any wish you may have" So I told her that I had split up with my girlfriend a couple of months before and, frankly, I wished to have sex with her. The mermaid (who had begun to suspect our hero was slightly challenged in the neurone department) said "Well you realise from the waist down I am a fish so if you want sex you'll have to swim behind and fertilize the eggs I lay" So the lifeguard said "OK then, how about a little head?"

mac_d · Post by **mac_d** » Fri Aug 03, 2012 7:28 pm

@ painless - I like that.

And I told the other joke at dinner. My dad didn't seem to enjoy it. My brother found it funny and his missus didn't get it. I still think it's good though.

Banana Man · Post by **Banana Man** » Sun Aug 05, 2012 11:15 am

I've just watched a huge black guy giving a hot East European girl a good pounding. It wasn't porn, it was the Olympic womens tennis final.

Banana Man · Post by **Banana Man** » Sun Aug 05, 2012 11:13 pm

I seem to have developed Ennis Elbow.

I'll let you decide the implications of that.

mac_d · Post by **mac_d** » Sun Aug 05, 2012 11:56 pm

Banana Man wrote:I seem to have developed Ennis Elbow.

I'll let you decide the implications of that.

MrMuttley · Post by **MrMuttley** » Tue Aug 07, 2012 7:03 am

If I was stood outsode the Apple Store when it was robbed would that make me an iWitness?

domdonald · Post by **domdonald** » Tue Aug 07, 2012 9:16 am

mac_d wrote:
Banana Man wrote:I seem to have developed Ennis Elbow.

I'll let you decide the implications of that.

SnakeSVT2003 · Post by **SnakeSVT2003** » Tue Aug 07, 2012 7:56 pm

The last person left on Earth is sitting in a room.

There's a knock at the door.

Banana Man · Post by **Banana Man** » Wed Aug 08, 2012 1:19 pm

I've just found out Michael Phelps was conceived during a blow job. Yes, he is THAT good at swimming.

mac_d · Post by **mac_d** » Wed Aug 08, 2012 1:58 pm

Banana Man wrote:I've just found out Michael Phelps was conceived during a blow job. Yes, he is THAT good at swimming.

vikz22 · Post by **vikz22** » Wed Aug 08, 2012 2:04 pm

mac_d wrote:
Banana Man wrote:I've just found out Michael Phelps was conceived during a blow job. Yes, he is THAT good at swimming.

whytoo · Post by **whytoo** » Thu Aug 09, 2012 11:23 am

great one

dabi wrote:My wife rang to say she's just gone into labour.

I told her it was bloody ridiculous to start a career in politics when we're expecting a baby.

whytoo · Post by **whytoo** » Thu Aug 09, 2012 11:28 am

Chocksaway wrote:A man goes into a pet shop to buy a pet spider, he is is told it wlll be £50.00, he d eclines, saying it will be cheaper off the web....

whytoo · Post by **whytoo** » Thu Aug 09, 2012 11:46 am

Banana Man wrote:Archeologist have found the jaw bone of a human skeleton which is over 5 million years old. The Jaw is believe to have been from a female...

... because it's still f**king moving.

Tufty · Post by **Tufty** » Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:34 pm

vikz22 wrote:
mac_d wrote:
Banana Man wrote:I've just found out Michael Phelps was conceived during a blow job. Yes, he is THAT good at swimming.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner... :lol:

Banana Man · Post by **Banana Man** » Wed Aug 15, 2012 4:30 pm

Just got chucked out of Waterstones for moving a 'Wet Floor' sign into the 50 Shades of Grey aisle. :frown:

nexus · Post by **nexus** » Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:43 pm

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, baby, push it!
B) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e . both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

Banana Man · Post by **Banana Man** » Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:56 pm

I appologies in advance for this...

Two Mexican detectives are investigating the murder of Juan Gonzales.
The first one says, "I think he may have been shot with a golf gun"
The second one says, "What is a golf gun?"
The first one replies, "I'm not sure but it made a hole in Juan."

mac_d · Post by **mac_d** » Sat Aug 18, 2012 8:01 am

nexus wrote:The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

I've been pretty actively trying to get into my best mates little sister for a shockingly long time now. I think I'd have to marry her as my mate has threatened to "drive a tank over me" if I hit on her again.

Anyway, approve of the man-laws.

nexus · Post by **nexus** » Mon Aug 20, 2012 9:08 pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...

...walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai... "

Banana Man · Post by **Banana Man** » Mon Aug 20, 2012 9:51 pm

Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop

Bang!!!

Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop

Amish drive-by shooting.

MrMuttley · Post by **MrMuttley** » Tue Aug 21, 2012 4:54 am

Blatently stolen from the BBC News site here are the funniest one liners from the Fringe this year.

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know why."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

MrMuttley · Post by **MrMuttley** » Tue Aug 21, 2012 5:52 am

A man checks into his hotel on a business trip and, feeling a bit lonely, he thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He looked in a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Eroveronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line

moose22 · Post by **moose22** » Tue Aug 21, 2012 10:44 pm

My mate Lisa once went out with this bloke who was a magician.

He disappeared for a couple of months.

moose22 · Post by **moose22** » Tue Aug 21, 2012 10:48 pm

A young Indian couple sitting on a park bench.
The girl says: "Say something to me to make my heart skip a beat"
Boy: "look over there your dads coming"